We spoke to the school counsellor and she recommended a book called “Get out of my life... But first take me & Alex into town”. We found it pretty helpful, if slightly defeatist/depressing about the state of teenagers and the world they are brought up in. Worth a read. Doesn’t necessarily provide the solution but lets you understand what is going on in their head so you don’t take it so personally.
I have managed to improve things a bit with my son by
a) enforcing consequences and holding firm despite the lengthy tantrums
b) refusing to be drawn into arguments. Just state my case and walk away. Listen to what they say but don’t comment any further. Best thing I learnt from that book is that a lot of the time your kid wants an argument because it is preferable to doing what you’ve asked him to do. Don’t fall for it. And don’t let your child bully you into getting what they want. Sometimes if you just go silent and let them rant at you for a bit they eventually run out of steam. I used to apply the same technique to difficult customers at work lol.
c) you have to pick your battles and let some things slide I allowed a lot of cursing and swearing to pass by without comment this week it was only after constant F word and several warnings I took his computer away for 24 hours