Nicola_murf

Hi all, I am feeling so confused and need an outsider/2nd opinion. Sorry its a long one! I’ve been with my husband 15yrs, married for 10 with a 5yr & 2yr.

We have some issues going on for a few months, the most important to him that we are very rarely intimate anymore, and me that he works so many hours that he is never home and doesn’t help enough when he is home. 

We had another argument last week were he said this is getting too much all arguing and we need to move past it, I feel like we need to resolve the issues, he said I made a sarcastic comment so he got so angry that he punched the door, he then threatened to punch my head in twice. Our 2yr old was in same room. 

this is first time he has ever threatened me but not the first time his anger is so much that he has punched walls/doors. He also shouts and swears and name calls when we argue which I hate and always refuse to talk any further when he gets like that.

He has apologised but will not promise to never do it again as he said I need to admit my part in it and that I am at fault too and I have to apologise and promise I will never push him that far.
My opinion is that he is the only one responsible for controlling his temper and that he needs to get help and promise me he will make sure it will never happen again. His opinion is I should apologise for my part in it and that I will never push him that far again and that I have known him long enough and should know he would never hurt me.
Neither of us are able to persuade the other and I just don’t know where to go from here, we can’t resolve any other issues as we just can’t get past this.
I would love some guidance and other opinions on this all and what you would do or think I should do

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familylives
Hi, I understand that this is a difficult and troubling situation. You are not responsible for his actions and choices, he is a grown man and needs to take responsibility for himself. If he cannot have an argument with you without becoming enraged then that's his issue and he needs to deal with. If he threatened to punch you then how are you supposed to believe that he wouldn't hurt you? You might find it helpful to talk to Woman's Aid, all contact is now through their website and e-mailing. You may also find this book quite helpful. If you feel you need further support please e-mail us at askus@familylives.org.uk or call our freephone helpline on 0808 800 2222.
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doneindad
In all relationships it is a two way street where communication is key. I do not condone his actions and aggressive behaviour and as man I am disappointed and disgusted that men still behave like this. However I will certainly upset a lot of people and play devil's advocate by asking what you may (not are so no accusations) be doing to provoke this behaviour in him. Domestic abuse is not only physical but mental, verbal etc as well and one might find that you are as abusive as you make the other person appear to be but in a different way. Domestic abuse is also not only perpetrated by men.

As I said communication is key and I have found that couples need to talk and by talking you will find what upsets and conversely makes your partner happy. By doing this you understand each other better and will avoid doing the things that provoke any negative reaction in the other person. You two need to sit and talk and by talking I mean rediscover each other. Do you know your partner enough to know how to get him to calmly sit and open up to you? Is there a reason for the long hours at work? Is there a reason for the lack of intimacy? Is there something that he can do, you can do or you both can do to better the situation together? Do you have time as husband and wife and not mum and dad?

We need to look at ourselves, both husband and wife, our words and actions because that affects the other person in the relationship. When we have an understanding of ourselves and our other half we see where we compliment each other so that your strength boosts their weakness and vice versa. Without talking and knowing each other you will never reach that point and the arguments and negativity will continue.

This is what I try and achieve in my marriage, My wife and I don't raise our voices when we may have a disagreement but there is certainly no abusive behaviour be it mental, verbal or physical. We talk and because we talk we know each other and our trigger points, which are avoided. Arguments are not necessary in a relationship, disagreements are but they need not progress into an argument and most certainly not into a shouting match or worse.
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