nymetsno1
Was married for 10 years. Divorced for over 3 years now. It was very amicable. I didn't even hire a lawyer, did it myself. Our agreement from the beginning was that we would do everything in our power to make this transition as smooth as possible for our daughter. She comes first. We both agreed to live near each other, to discipline together, and to continuously show our daughter that even though we are divorced, we are a united front when it comes to parenting. We even both agreed that we would not introduce significant others until we reached the 1-year together mark and that the other parent had to meet them first. Thanks to this, my daughter's sadness about our divorce did not last long and it never affected her school or anything. She's actually a straight A student now and an amazing athlete. 

I have been engaged for 7 months and my fiancee has a huge problem with the relationship I have with my ex-husband. He believes we shouldn't be so friendly and that we should rarely interact and when we do that it should only be about our daughter. The arguments have gotten so out of hand that I've compromised and took away my exhusband's access to my place, told him he could no longer come inside my place unless expressly invited, stopped going to events that my nieces and nephews (from his side, but whom I helped raise and grow up) invite me to, stopped going to my ex sister-in-laws house (her and I were really close and we wanted to maintain that), and recently, told my exhusband that I could no longer be his "go to" person. Like, if his car battery was dead and he needed jumper cables, I shouldn't be the first person he called. All of this is still not enough and my fiancee and I continue arguing. My daughter is now picking up on this and she keeps asking me why I'm not going to my niece's and nephews birthday parties....she keeps asking if it's because of my fiance. 

Most recently, everything came to a head two weeks ago when I was getting my daughter ready for an 8-day trip with her father to the Dominican Republic. I didn't know whether they would be visiting family or staying strictly in the resort, so I asked him to come upstairs quickly so he can see what I laid out for her to pack and make sure it was enough clothes and that I wasn't forgetting anything. The entire thing took 2 minutes and that's it. He took her suitcase and left. My fiancee completely flipped out over this and we have not stopped arguing. He says this is not normal and that we're using our daughter as an excuse to stay codependent on each other, which couldn't be further from the truth. 

There was also a time in June -- the day before my daughter's 6th grade graduation -- when my exhusband threw his back out. My daughter asked me to please take her to give him some pain medication because he couldn't get up from the floor. I told my fiancee where I was going and came back in 2 minutes. I didn't go into his house, my daughter just went in and gave him the pills. He flipped out. What kind of person would I be if I told my daughter, "No, I'm not helping your father no matter how hurt he is, let him figure it out."

I don't know what to do anymore. I have so much anxiety over this, that I'm gaining weight, losing my hair, and not sleeping well. 

My ex and I have no feelings for each other. We've both moved on (he's been with his girlfriend for almost 2 years now and her and I get along well). We're just trying to coparent the best we can and set a great example for our daughter. Am I doing something wrong here?  I am at my wits end and I have this sinking feeling that our relationship is going to end over this. 

P.S. my fiance also has kids and coparents very differently from me. His ex doesn't even live in the same state and they barely communicate about anything. 
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familylives
Hi, thank you for your post. I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a horrendous time with your fiance over the relationship you have with your daughter's father. I can see that you have tried to compromise to accommodate his feelings but it is a very serious concern that he is even asking you to do this. Your relationship with your ex-husband is to ensure that your daughter feels safe and secure and if all relationship breakdowns were managed this way, the world would be a happier place. Do you feel your relationship is healthy? Do you feel he trusts you? I am worried about this for you because you have only been engaged for a few months, and you may need to ask yourself what could happen a couple of years down the line? Your daughter may see this relationship and become affected by the behaviour which does sound controlling. I feel it would help you to read this link and lean on friends and family for support. https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/
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