LouLou77
If I'm honest, I knew the marriage was over just before our second child was born (he's almost 2 now). Husband really isn't supportive. I've felt more like a mother than a wife. Baby #2 was an opportunity to learn from past mistakes. It was obvious that nothing had changed - and never would. We had marriage guidance with Relate but this didn't achieve anything either. In fact, it made things worse for me because a lot of the sessions seemed to focus on me needing to lower my expectations and help husband more! I did give this serious consideration because the general impression of me is bossy and controlling, wanting things to be right etc. Husband is disorganised and forgetful which I find frustrating. It's often easier to do things myself than delegate so I am overwhelmed (especially with young children too) but husband needs so much prompting and reminding - which inevitably is seen as nagging - that I try to manage on my own as the lesser of two evils. After Relate, husband started to question everything that I did. I'm overwhelmed because I won't let him help. He doesn't know about the household expenses but he's expected to pay etc. I did work part time after first child but was unable to manage so resigned. The bills go through my account because he left me to sort all this when we moved. Anyway, to try not to waffle on forever, I'm now being regarded as bullying towards him. He talks about 'the abuse he has to put up with'. It is true that arguments have increased in frequency since Christmas. He was just awful to be around. I couldn't wait for him to go back to work. As usual left me to sort Christmas gifts and family gatherings then complained that he hadn't been involved. I've really had enough of him. He frustrates me so much and just won't try to see my perspective. Just before lockdown, my daughter said something at school about the arguments. She made it sound worse than it really was so I understand why school called me in. Again, the message was to be more tolerant for the sake of the children. I understand that too but it is really hard when trying so hard and being constantly nitpicked or arguing the toss. I started to realise that the relationship was now toxic. I was so upset about everything. I had a drink that afternoon and talked things over with a friend whilst baby napped. Someone reported me for drinking to school. I'm pretty sure I know who but can't understand why. It wasn't the most responsible thing to do but I was perfectly capable of taking care of the children. Sometimes this school mum would come over and we would have a cheeky wine before school run. Anyway, this prompted social services involvement but no concerns were identified. I was mortified by it all. Lockdown is tough with an already strained relationship and the above provided plenty of ammunition to prolong that agony. The school and family support worker were monitoring the homeschooling and holding regular welfare meetings which felt intrusive but better to be vigilant I suppose (not just my family - this is undertaken for all families who have had social services involvement) Homeschooling was going well and we had fun most of the time. It felt like things were starting to blow over when the Headteacher called my husband to say a letter had been received with concerns for the children and that I bullied my husband!! I haven't been allowed to see the letter. It really could only have come from the neighbours but that was also a shock. They will have seen the children daily happy and playing. Of course, there are tellings off but nothing out of the ordinary. Husband dealt with this mostly so I only know things second hand. He has contradicted himself several times. Most notably saying that he had denied being bullied but also that he had been advised to contact a male domestic abuse helpline - which he says he has done. I nearly had a breakdown (seeing GP). I'm a private person and I pride myself on being a good mummy. I'm definitely not in the running for wife of the year but it takes two. I've been the one to pull out the stops to make things work. I'm at the end of my tether with him and definitely lack patience. He doesn't seem to appreciate what he does have. Anyway, this puts me in a difficult situation as I can't really defend myself because by all accounts I'm in the wrong. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed but also wondering why I'm left shouldering all of this myself.
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familylives
Hi, I understand that this is a difficult and upsetting situation. Have you tired counselling for yourself? You seem to second guess yourself a lot, perhaps take some time to yourself and consider how things are from your perspective and write it all done, it might help you to see it all written out and may be useful when you're talking to someone about these issues. From what you've told me, this relationship does not seem to be working, you sound very unhappy as does your partner too. Perhaps it is time to consider moving on for everyone's benefit? You may find it helpful to read our articles on your family and divorce advice. If you feel you need further support please e-mail us at askus@familylives.org.uk or contact us through our live chat service which is open, Monday to Friday between 1.30pm and 5.30pm or call our freephone helpline on 0808 800 2222.
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