Lisab1
Hi all, We have had issues with our youngest in terms of her abusive and violent outbursts for as long as I can remember, and at the moment I am also dealing with my close family members who are really ill with Covid and I just feel like I cant take anymore.

Much of the time our daughter is funny, clever, loving, thoughtful but other times it is as if she is taken over, it sounds strange but she actually looks different when she has these episodes too, its difficult to explain.

When she is like this she is the devil, she actively seeks out confrontation, mainly with me but sometimes her Dad or Sister too, she is very quick witted and will pick and pick.. She throws the biggest tantrums, kicking doors, hitting and kicking me, throwing things, the episode yesterday lasted 7 hours in all.

It leaves me so badly mentally drained, sometimes I have to just sit by a door with her and let her burn herself out, often while being kicked and hit, sometimes I have to restrain her or she may hurt herself as she kicks the doors, im scared she will hurt herself.

These outbursts can start over the most insignificant of things and can last an hour or several hours, in between the violent parts she just bullies me, picking at every little thing or word or following me around, her face and body right in to mine, I will try to go about normal things, yesterday I opened the blinds, she would immediately close them, or if I turn on a tap, she will tutn it off.

We have been GP who agrees there is an issue but when we spoke to CAHMS they said basically it isnt serious enough but it has been making our lives hell for years.

I went to her school who told me that I had done everything that they would recommend but that they cannot help as she behaves in school.

We are not strict but we do have boundaries and I always stick to them no matter what so we are not a pushover, there are clear repurcussions set and followed to her actions but nothing works, we have tried everything.

I was simply flicking through films today and she started on me, argueing about a plate going in to the dishwasher, I did not argue back but I did explain my reason, but she just picked and picked.. If one thing doesnt get me upset then she tries another tactic or subject, and another.. It is exhausting.

I told her that she was being rude and maybe should take a moment to calm down, then comes the guilt trip part which she tends to go to if she gets no rise out of me, but I just tell her that I love her and leave it at that.

Once an episode is over, she looks tired but relieved and tells me that she is sorry.

But im exhausted.

We always praise our children, support and encourage, we are very loving, my husband and I have a great relationship, we are open, talk about everything, we work hard, spend quality fun time as a family.. I just do not know what to do. I have asked those around us if we do anything wrong or can improve or change but nothing.

I have tried everything, tried leaving the room myself, she chases me around if I try to seperate myself, I have hidden away in cupboards sobbing sometimes just because I couldnt take anymore and I needed her to burn herself out before she would calm down. All this and she is only 10 (nearly 11), im actually scared for what lay ahead.

But then we have a few months of lovely behaviour and I get a false sense of security.

I feel for my daughter too as I sure she doesnt like being upset but sometimes I feel that she enjoys seeing me cry, that it makes her feel better when she is in this mood.

Im sorry for my long post, I just needed to vent abit.
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meljjeff
Hi,
I just wanted to say you are an amazing person first and foremost. Being a parent kicks your arse doesnt it. Reading your post brought back some memories for me with my son a few years back, similar or the same behaviour your daughter is displaying here. For 8 years I have gone to doctors and said something is not quite right with my son and for years because the school said he is fine at school doctor knocked it away. First of all, I would go back to the school and tell them to do a caf on your daughter and explain your concerns about what she is doing to your household and emotional needs. Ask for the senco at your school and have a meeting. Then see if they can back you up if they truly have noticed anything different with your daughter and what it is doing to you. Then go with a letter from the school to the doctors and get a referral for your daughter. Keep trying and trying, a friends once told me make them listen to you because you know her better than anyone. If she has a borderline condition then they can put measure into help like a EHCP. Only get that once diagnosed. If she needs it. They have put others measures in for my son. He has high functioning aspergers syndrome and it works. Others maybe not. Does she hum or mumble to herself? Does she rock back and forth? Does she speak ten to the dozen? That would be Autism maybe. Or ADHD. As they are uncontrolled outburst over little things. Really sounds like ADHD. If so this will need medication and will not just go away. As I said keep making yourself heard and remember you are doing an amazing job and hope you get the result you need. Best wishes
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familylives
Hi, I understand that this is a difficult and troubling situation. Unfortunately this is a common complaint about CAHMS, if you can find private help then you may find better results there, otherwise we suggest that you stay on their back and press the seriousness of the issue to them. You might find Young Minds helpful, they're an organisation that helps families in similar situations to yourself, you can contact them on 0808 802 5544. You may find it helpful to read our articles on child behaviour. If you feel you need further support please e-mail us at askus@familylives.org.uk or call our freephone helpline on 0808 800 2222.
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Lisab1
Im sorry, please dont worry about replying, I just need a place to vent.

I brought some shopping home including some bits so my girls can make cakes, my 10 year old jumped  straight up and went in to the kitchen, started taking pots out etc, all I did was ask if I could unpack the shopping first and what I got was a huge meltdown.

Im currently sat crying in a heap on the floor, trying to make sure that she does not run out of the house, she has been kicking and hitting the doors, throwing things around and screaming in my face for probably around an hour, she kicked me many times, lunged for her sister.

Im at my wits end with these outbursts, I have tried everything, I actually feel like I am going through some sort of DV abuse, scared of what I will get next, it happens random, I never know, there are no obvious triggers.

Im so worried about the impact on my other daughter too.

Im sorry, I just thought that if I wrote this it would help me.
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babyls
Hey there, I don't know if you are still going through this but you are having a really hard time and I hope you are ok.

All kids are difficult in the lead up to puberty but what I read from your post is that you are having a really hard time with your kids right now. Do you still need some help here because I'd love to chat with you if you do.

cheers
K
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Georgiasmum

Hi, 

I just wanted to respond to your post because I really feel for you and what you are going through, because many similar things are happening to us with our 7 year old daughter (especially the part where I am breaking down exhausted and crying behind a door she is trying to kick down and unable to handle her aggression). It will be a miracle if we survive the pandemic. I feel like we are walking in a minefield around her.

I don’t know if you can afford private help, but if yes, this might give you a bit of breathing room as there isn’t the same issue with waiting lists. We are finally receiving help from an occupational therapist and a psychologist, who are working with our daughter and us on reinforcing the zones of regulation with her. They say that she isn’t intentionally trying to hurt us, but has a really difficult time expressing her emotions. They are trying to get her and us to recognize her triggers (when she is escalating in the yellow zone), and to work on strategies with her to calm herself down (get back to the green zone). It is so hard to do this work when my husband and I are alternately depressed, and I think she is depressed too. 

Anyway, I am sending my good thoughts to you. I was told that everyday our daughter  doesn’t have a meltdown is one we can be thankful for. But sometimes I wonder if this is my life, and that makes me seriously upset. You sound like a really good mom who is trying everything she can. Feel free to post and let us know how it’s going. 

A

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Lisab1
Hi, 

Thank you so much for your reply, we had another bad day today, we have no idea what started it and nor does my daughter, it was my husband who got it today, she was slapping and kicking him and the doors, smashing up her room, she spat in his face twice on purpose, I sat nearby to record it but it is sound only, although I have recorded before and the Dr agreed that there were issues but CAMHS felt it wasnt serious enough.

I have no idea where she gets this from, me, my husband and my eldest daughter are pretty chilled out, we dont argue, definately not violent or abusive in any way.

Ive asked friends and family if they see us doing anything wrong but they tell us no, they we are good parents.

It is her birthday tomorrow and I had been planning a special lockdown afternoon tea but due to her meltdown today, I wasnt able to get anything sorted for it.

I have asked a few times about what she would like to do for her bday expecting a special dinner, games night eyc but she said she wanted everyone to have to do what she wants and what she says for the whole day.

In my inexperienced opinion, control is the factor with her, she HAS to control everyone in every situation, she is more controlling then any adult ive met. I had PDA in my mind to be honest.

My husband and I are just broken.

I am going back to the Dr once this lockdown is over.

Im so sorry to hear you are suffering too, I wish that I had some comforting words to offer.

I was thinking of private help but there are so many Drs, I dont know which I should be going to?

Thanks so much for being here, im so grateful x
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Georgiasmum

I am so sorry to hear that your daughter’s birthday didn’t go as planned. It does sound like she may have some issues around control - maybe she feels really out of control and this is how she is expressing it. Apparently my daughter has anxieties around my husband and I leaving, so when she gets worked up she tries to block our way and keep us in the same room with her. 


We don’t live in the UK so have not had the same challenges finding private help. I tried to do a search for you in Britain, and it seems there are a lot of options, which is daunting. We got help through a private children’s health centre, but I don’t know if these exist where you are. Can your doctor see you virtually during the lockdown to give a referral? It sounds like you need help right away. Our family doctor was able to talk to me over the phone and suggested some names of clinics, which I then contacted. And I think a lot of clinics are still taking clients - they just set up zoom meetings instead of face-to-face appointments.

I found it also really helpful that my husband and I are talking to a psychologist at the same time my daughter is seeing the occupational therapist (who also debriefs with us). I have so much guilt around all the things I have probably done wrong in trying to manage her behaviour. It was cathartic to hear from a professional that she recognized just how distressing her behaviour is and that we have tried everything to address it. She reinforces with us the tools we can use. We lost so much confidence in our parenting but she pointed out how some things we are doing are actually helping. I think the approach that is being used is a cognitive behavioural approach. After the last week, I feel more hopeful, but every day is a struggle. We are still walking on eggshells constantly. 


I hope today has been better for you and your family. 

A

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