I just wanted to respond to your post because I really feel for you and what you are going through, because many similar things are happening to us with our 7 year old daughter (especially the part where I am breaking down exhausted and crying behind a door she is trying to kick down and unable to handle her aggression). It will be a miracle if we survive the pandemic. I feel like we are walking in a minefield around her.
I don’t know if you can afford private help, but if yes, this might give you a bit of breathing room as there isn’t the same issue with waiting lists. We are finally receiving help from an occupational therapist and a psychologist, who are working with our daughter and us on reinforcing the zones of regulation with her. They say that she isn’t intentionally trying to hurt us, but has a really difficult time expressing her emotions. They are trying to get her and us to recognize her triggers (when she is escalating in the yellow zone), and to work on strategies with her to calm herself down (get back to the green zone). It is so hard to do this work when my husband and I are alternately depressed, and I think she is depressed too.
Anyway, I am sending my good thoughts to you. I was told that everyday our daughter doesn’t have a meltdown is one we can be thankful for. But sometimes I wonder if this is my life, and that makes me seriously upset. You sound like a really good mom who is trying everything she can. Feel free to post and let us know how it’s going.