tinsleighsmum
So I could not find work in my home country. I had applied for 600 jobs, only got 22 interviews out of that and no job. Everyone had always been telling me that I should go back to school to better myself. I've always hated where I'm from, though, because the commute is long and it snows for about nine months out of the year. I don't drive, and you can't bike over icy streets, like you can bike here in the UK. Anyway, so I applied to study in the UK, and got accepted. Student Aid in my country doesn't give you enough to study abroad, so I had to find a job, too, but I was okay with that, because I missed working. I didn't have to apply for as many jobs here as I did in my home country, either, before I found one. Only 32 jobs applied for here. Another goal of mine was to have a child. It was causing me the same kind of depression that one might have from being unable to conceive. I was already 32, so it was like my body was saying, "Your biological clock is ticking here... Hurry up". I met this guy, who I later found out had been sober for eleven years, but he worked for those eleven years, sometimes even overtime. He used to bring me sweets and pick me up from work. He came over for tea and gave me massages. Paid for parking, so we could go to the beach, and packed us a lunch. Brought over supplies to fix my shower head. Helped me move. Left money for me at the student accommodation office to help me pay for the Tina Turner musical in London. Didn't want sex. He was just incredible. So I asked him to be the father of my child. He asked for time to think about it and went ahead with it. Now, he's gone back drinking, and hasn't paid maintenance in a year. Since he hasn't done this, I've had to quit university in my third year, as well as quit working. He'll say stuff like, "Well, since you contacted child maintenance, I just won't work, then!". Or he'll make the excuse that he's looking after his mother with dementia, and has been turned down for attendance allowance. So I offer to look after his mother, so he can work, but he ignores me. I give him the number for places that can help him get sober, and again he ignores me. I've been to so many places to see if they can help me, and they all are either just listening services or they can't do anything, if he's not willing to. I have the remainder of my student loan to live off for now, and I'm stretching my money by only paying half my rent, and then I'll probably return home once the quarantine is lifted. Then, I'll receive child tax in my home country, that's been backdated, so I'll have enough to live on my own for a little less than a year. Then, I could move in with my mother, until my child starts school, but my Mom's almost died three times now, so if she does die, I don't have enough money from the child tax to pay the mortgage, so we lose the house and end up I don't know where. And I don't want to lose my child. My son's father, also an alcoholic, was partially responsible for me not being able to find a job in my home country in the first place. I was trying to rebuild and that's what I get. So does anybody know how to effectively talk an alcoholic into getting treatment, maybe? Anybody have any past experience with that? Or do any of you know of any places I could work online that aren't scams, and that don't require a degree? I found out I could have taught English to Chinese people online, if I would have been able to finish my degree. But, of course, I couldn't. Anything similar to that that I could work at? As I was writing this, I thought, why don't I just save the backdated child tax, rather than pay rent with it? I mean, I'd lose my Grandma's old apartment that I wanted to move into once I return, but it's better than losing everything else. Then, I remembered, things aren't entirely like they used to be before I left. I used to be able to live at home still, and not pay anything, because first my Mom was working full time, then, my Dad moved back in with us, so we had both their incomes. But my Mom has had to quit working and my Dad died. So just sitting on my money isn't going to work, either.
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familylives
Hi, it sounds like you've been through a lot and are in a difficult situation. You cannot force someone to change, that's their decision and if he doesn't want to listen to you then it sounds like a lot of wasted energy. Since you're from another country, I'm not sure how helpful our services will be but have you spoken to the Job Centre? You might find some information on the government website. If you're looking to move back to your country of origin then we suggest you look for helpful services there so you're prepared when you move back. If you feel you need further support please e-mail us at askus@familylives.org.uk or call our freephone helpline on 0808 800 2222.
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tinsleighsmum
Oh, okay. What great life lessons for my daughter to learn... Narcissistic abuse cannot be stopped by society, even when it affects a non-abuser's education, job prospects and ability to parent. And drinking alcohol makes you above the law. Cool.
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familylives
If you need advice or support, please do use our support services. Thank you.
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