Louisa

I need some advice or guidance on my situation. I have been in a relationship with my partner for almost 7 years. We live 30 miles apart, I also work 30 miles from my main home. I have custody of my son part time. He lives with me every other week and his dad every other week. During the time he is with his dad I stay in my partners house, it is 15 minutes from work and I am happy here. When I have my son although it’s only 30 miles from work due to the traffic it is often a 2 hour commute. I rent my home and the rent and bills come to just short of £1000 a month. I live there just 2 weeks of a month. I am often alone as my son is out with friends most nights. I’m not happy there. I struggle to pay the rent and bills.


A year ago my partner asked me to move in permanently with him. I declined as I felt this would be unfair on my son. He is now almost 17, he has an apprenticeship. 


My son lives with his dad and uncle. He doesn’t like it. He says it’s not great there as his uncle is suffering depression. 


I explained to my son that my partner has asked us to move in with him. He called me selfish saying he wants to stay in the house as it’s near work and friends and his social activities such as rugby. I said I would do all I can to ensure he is still able to do things with friends plus as my finances will be much healthier I can put money toward a car so he can commute when he likes. He’s completely refused to move and is saying I am being selfish and cruel if I give my house up and let him live with his father full time. On top of that his father is sticking up for him and saying he won’t have him full time as he’s my responsibility 2 weeks of the month and if he doesn’t want to move, I need to keep the house. They both state I am making my son homeless. He is only 16 at the moment and will be 17 in 6 weeks. 


I feel so many emotions around this, trapped, confused, selfish. As of this time I’m unable to move due to the guilt I’m feeling and the worry about potentially making my son unhappy with his living situation.

my ex has said I should wait until he’s 18 but the only thing that changes there is his age. The situation will be exactly the same. He still won’t want to move. He still won’t want to stay with his father full time. 

I’d really appreciate some thoughts on this please 🙁 

 

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familylives
Hi, I understand that this is a difficult and upsetting situation. I understand that you feel selfish and guilty, but it sounds like you've given this a lot of thought and you don't seem unreasonable. If there isn't a way to make everyone happy, as there usually isn't, then you've got to think about what's best for the future of you and your son. Struggling financially does not help anyone, and doesn't let you plan for any future events. You could turn this onto your son and say that he's being selfish as he only listed things that would affect him. Your son is almost a year away from being a legal adult, maybe it's time he take some responsibility for his own situation, maybe he or the both of you could come up with something he could do to solve his situation. This is obviously a difficult situation with a lot of people's feelings on the line, but don't let people's emotions manipulate your decision. If you feel you need further support please e-mail us at askus@familylives.org.uk or call our freephone helpline on 0808 800 2222.
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