Grassgreen

I have been dealing with what I think is an emotionally abusive relationship for at least two years now. We got married 9 months ago. I have since found the strength to realise I shouldn’t have done that and I will never be happy. I finally found the confidence to tell my family and none of them support me. Because of the current pandemic I am living at home with my parents and they won’t talk to me. They won’t come in to the room. They cry constantly all day, like a wailing cry as if someone has died. I asked them to please stop and please try and see my side and they just said how could I have held a bible and said vows and now be breaking them. They actually said “how do we tell the neighbours.” And my Dad said the wedding cost so much money how could I do that? To add to this, my mother in law is texting my mother saying how my husband is broken and crying all the time and will go to therapy and all these things - when he hasn’t even contacted me himself. He always does this after he’s been nasty and aggressive (never physical) - he will cry and say he’ll die without me and that’s how I stayed with him so long. I honestly don’t know what to do. I have lost confidence in my decision to walk away. Now I feel like what if I’m making a mistake. What if everyone is right and we should not break up? I feel so trapped and isolated. I honestly don’t know what to do. My husband is in America and we can’t see each other because of the travel ban.  

To put in to perspective - he is extremely controlling, won’t socialise in any way, won’t kiss my lips or have sex with me, only smooth sailing when I’m doing as I’m told. 

Please help me. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. 

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familylives
Hi, I understand that this is a difficult and upsetting situation. This is your decision, not their's, they are not the ones who are married to him and do not have to be in a relationship with him. This is unfortunately a common experience of women in your situation. If the family or other people outside of the relationship do not see the abuse and like the abuser, they tend to take the abuser's side. However, if it feels like abuse to you, then it's abuse. You may find it helpful to contact Women's Aid, they have an instant chat and email service. You can also call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247. You may find it helpful to read our articles on divorce and separation. If you feel you need further support please e-mail us at askus@familylives.org.uk or call our freephone helpline on 0808 800 2222.
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snoopy71
Hi Grassgreen ... it's exceptionally difficult to give people advise when all they can see is a few lines of text describing the situation. But from the little you say, you made the fatal mistake of marrying someone when their emotional abuse was already known to you but of course many, many women have done the same thing, thinking the wedding would bring you closer.  Frankly from what you say, this guy sounds like a cold turkey, zero emotional bonding and the lack of kissing and sex says it all. All in all, he is simply immature and unlikely to grow out of it.  Such a shame you have folks that appear narrow minded as well that only precipitate grief in you as well. No wonder you feel the guilty party here at times! As I see the black and white of all of this, you are never going to be happy with this guy and going back will only lead to many more years of unhappiness and complete lack of self worth.  Let me assure you of one thing, there are many, many men out there who make you feel good again and that life is worth living.  Sure, all relationships need work on both sides, but your experience alone must suggest you deserve better. You are not in a great living situation but not an impossible one. This Covid thing has really spoiled good living for many but it will not last forever. I can only suggest you take advice on divorce and what is required ( possibly being two years apart? ) and seriously consider that in light of a happier future. Don't underestimate your own self worth and your ability to climb out of this and never simply accept that you should 'be the loyal wife and simply go back' to please everyone except yourself.  have courage and start on a happier life!  Wish you well ..😃
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