Jude
I'm hoping people can advise. I've two daughters 9 and 12. I've been a single parent for most of their lives and on the whole we have a lovely life and are a close family. Last year we moved home to live with my partner. We find my 12 year olds behaviour challenging. She is stroppy and rude. Has lots of tantrums and can be really mean to her sister. Typical early teenage behaviour (I hope).  Any little thing quickly escalates into an explosion of her thinking the whole world hates her. Being her mum most of the time I can put up with these behaviours. I try to choose my battles and discipline when needed. However my partner has much higher expectations and quickly looses his temper with her which leads to all sorts of shouting between both of them.  I feel completely trapped and don't know what to do.  I don't enjoy my daughter's behaviour but obviously love her to bits and understand that alot of her behaviour is a direct result of adolescents.  I want to support my partner with his decisions and we both think it's important to be singing from the same sheet however I can not support him when he looses control of his emotions and shouts at her.  He thinks I am undermining him. I have tried to talk to him about his anger/shouting but he gets all worked up and blames the cause ie. In this case my 12 year old. He says if the cause stops then he won't get wound up and angry.  As much as I am trying to positively influence my 12 year olds behaviour it is not going to change in a hurry. She's just a kid and I'm sure there's worse to come. So what do I do about my partners shouting? How do I make him feel included and that we are working together? 
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familylives
Hi, I understand that this is a difficult situation. Your partner is an adult and your daughter is a child, surely he has more control over himself than your daughter does and can stop himself from yelling at her as that's a decision he has made and not an involuntary reaction. These are your children and you have the final say over how they are treated. Of course this could just be from a change in hormones, but also large changes in their lives can really affect a child's behavouir. It's all very new to them and they often don't know how to handle it and act out. Have you tried to discuss this behaviour with her? Asking if things have changed or how she feels may give you some insight. You may also find it helpful to read our articles on child behaviour and step-families. If you feel you need further support please e-mail us at askus@familylives.org.uk or call our freephone helpline on 0808 800 2222.
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