FridaysChild

My partner lives with myself and my son, we have his 3 daughters every other weekend. 


Im really starting to get upset that all the details and arrangements for when his daughter come to stay are discussed and decided without any involvement or consultation with me. I’ve mentioned that I’ve started to feel excluded a little particularly as I’m sometimes told on the day or just the day before if plans just a days/ times change by quite a bit. I’ve tried to roll with it but it does bother me. I’ve told him this and had a big reaction from him. He thinks I’m controlling or don’t want the girls to come, which isn’t true. 


its possibly that it’s how I’m explaining myself and maybe I am overreacting but I think of myself as co-caring and that it’s OUR weekend with them so I’d like to have the courtesy of being consulted even tho I would disagree with his plans. 


When I mention it he seems to overreact and get angry that he feels he has to ask my permission to see his daughters whi he misses terribly. How do I get him to see that it’s not about me giving permission, just wanting to be kept in the loop and not feel so excluded? 


I feel really lost ! 

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familylives
Hi, I understand that this is a difficult and troubling situation. Perhaps you could explain that you just want to be involved, you're not trying to stop him from seeing anyone, and you want to be prepared for when they come. Also, you might want to ask him why he thinks you're trying to control things and stop him from seeing his children, it might be helpful to see what his point of view is. You may find it helpful to read our articles on stepfamilies. If you feel you need further support please e-mail us at askus@familylives.org.uk or call our freephone helpline on 0808 800 2222.
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snoopy71

Trying to merge two families together as one like this is always fraught with sentiment, doubt and even anger. I guess from his point of view, he expects you to fit in with his needs in very much the same way that you accepted your partner into your life with all the baggage that was known at the time. What he mustn't expect from you is that you should naturally embrace his children as a duty, that's his and his ex's job. Being step children or step parents can indeed be a trauma and I would say only the few can make it work smoothly. Indeed, your position as your partner's dearest will always come under threat when his children come into focus, as they were around long before you got together. 

I suggest your partner must see that you will always expect him to want you in his life as much as he want's his children. You should not be seen as a place simply for him to lay his hat and bring his kids in as and when. If he refuses to acknowledge your presence as his total partner, and prioritises the children above that, I suspect it will never change. Of course, children will always be the the priority but if he suspects he may lose you because of that and how he treats you, then only that will show where his best intentions lie. Perhaps you should say that and see if his commitment and agreement to change results?  

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